A TALE OF TWO PAPAS

Here is a tale of two Papas, first let's identify them. Let's call the first PAPA, PAPA A and then, the second, Papa B. Okay the tale goes like this ; PAPA A has been a go getter from the word go. His childhood friends all attest to the fact that he didn't mince words in declaring to whoever cared to listen about his determination to strike gold early in life and live a life of affluence where everyone and everything will be at his beck and call.
Papa A, courted and befriended only people who would help him climb the ladder of success. After graduation from the University, he convinced a son of a wealthy business mogul to partner with him in establishing a contracting firm. Sure enough thanks to the connections of his partners father, the contracts kept on coming. Withing three years, the firm had established itself as one of the foremost in the country. Papa A wined and dined with the cream de la cream of society.
Papa A, soon made the headlines in the nations tabloids as his country's most eligible bachelor. The paparazzi went everywhere he went and were interested in who he was seeing. After two years of dating every beautiful or rich lady in the land, Papa A finally decided it was time to say bye bye to bachelorhood. So he picked one of his ex girlfriends whose father just got appointed Minister of finance in the country, apologized to her for dumping her, kissed and made up and proposed to her two weeks after.
The wedding, as should be expected, was the talk of the land. Everyone that was someone jusstled to get an invite to the celebrity wedding, and on the D day no one was disappointed. Dignitaries at the high table included no less a personality than the President of the country and his wife the first lady. Musicians from all around the world entertained.
Papa A, soon after, parted ways with his business partner and formed his own company. Thanks to his in law the Minister of finance, the company recorded profit after tax running into millions of dollars in the first year of its existence . Finally Papa A was living his dream he now literally straddles the world like a Collosus. Everything is going his way now. Everything? Well not exactly everything, there is this small palaver with his wife.
They never seem to manage a conversation without a big fight ensuing. She expects him to be there always for him and their baby. He can't understand her, he has given her everything a woman dreams of a big mansion, servants at her beck and call, a six figure shopping allowance every week? What else can a woman ask for? Now she is threatening to file for divorce? Papa A is perplexed!
Then there is Papa B. From boyhood he has been the shy one. His friends teased him for his timidity and the few girls he garnered courage to approach, answered with an emphatic no. His school days went on pretty dull and uneventfully. He graduated and landed a job in a bank. After observing his unattached status for two straight years, a colleague hooked him up with the friend of his girlfriend.
Papa B, stuck to the relationship, even when he knew that his new girlfriend was seeing someone else, his patience payed off after several months when his girlfriend came crying and confessing to him about her infidelity, promising to turn a new leaf and stay loyal to Papa B. True to his nature, he forgave her and assured her of his undying love.
The next year they got married. Three years later and two kids after. Through dint of hardwork, Papa B got promoted to Branch Manager at the Head quarters of the bank. He now finally felt his life and all the painful jigsaw Puzzles of his past finally making a meaning. He sincerely felt he was a lucky fellow with a lot to thank God for. That was until he came back home very early one fateful day and caught his beloved wife in bed with his Neighbour!
Now tell me, between Papa A and Papa B, who is 'cool'? Whom amongst the two has got it going on? Who would you rather be?

'YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER OF THE CHILD!'

What would you do if your dear better half. Suddenly tells you that the child that called you PAPA, the child that you have sheltered, protected, paid his/her school fees ;is not your biological son/daughter ? What will be your reaction?
It is often said and rightly so, that only a woman can tell who is really the father of her child - well not exactly true - science pundits will say. DNA, No doubt, Offers a window for bewildered Papas who want a second opinion. Things will fall apart in any family shaken by a tsunami of a 'confession' like that . Most Papas I know would go through several phases as they try to grapple with the situation. Let's call it the biblical 'Joseph syndrome' . These reactions could range from disbelief to rage then self blame.
I am sure that was how biblical Joseph felt when he was informed that his betrothed Mary was with child. I know many Papas will send the woman parking along with her child in a blink of an eye . But wait a minute, I think there are other perspectives that Papas should consider. What happens to the child that calls you PAPA? Why should any child be made to suffer for a crime he/she knows nothing about?
I think as long as no long lost wannabe Papa has come forward with a claim to the child in question and even if he gathers the balls to come forward, he better come with concrete evidence and a convincing story for abdicating his responsibilities for years, there is no reason why you should not 'adopt' the child.( That is even if DNA results confirm what the wife said.) I believe the man who laboured all these years deserves a chance to reap from his labour dont you agree?
Then there is also the womans mental state to be considered. Maybe before any Papa jumps to a conclusion, there is a need to check her into a Phychiatric hospital to have her sanity ascertained. It is not out of place for people with mental disorder to make serious statements. A good example is the confession of being a witch or wizard by people who were later discovered to be mentally challenged.
What I am getting at in a nutshell is that Papas should handle cases like this intelligently and with a lot of wisdom. I am not downplaying the fact that such happenings are complex. I would rather have the cup pass me by than have to face such a daunting event that can put the best Papa's sense of restraint and wisdom to the test. Nonetheless, a word of advice to the Papa in that situation, 'you are not the first'. And there is nothing we can not get over, no matter how painful.

BORROWING TO CELEBRATE.

Something caught my attention and I felt like sharing it on Papadom today, some ill informed Papas are into the habit of borrowing heavily in order to celebrate a holiday or anniversary. This is wrong and on Papadom we condemn this action in its entirety. 'he who goes a borrowing goes a sorrowing', who doesn't know that? So why borrow just for a celebration?
I can understand borrowing money in order to meet a medical need in the family or to buy food, clothing and other necessities, but borrowing in order to celebrate, is something I just can't seem to stomach. The problem here is some of us want to impress the world or the spouse to the detriment of the family because unnecessary borrowing will tell on the family especially when the strain of paying back starts to tell;thus affecting the wellbeing and happiness of the whole family.
A Papa worth his salt will cut his coat according to his clothe as they rightly say. There is no point living above your means. You will eventually realize that you have decieved no one but yourself. The best thing to do is to plan and budget for upcoming events that you think are absolutely necessary. With meticulous planning, one can save towards a target and most certainly that which is desired can be attained.
Another thing is papas should be wary of falling into the trap of trying to keep up or worse still compete with friends who seem to be doing better. 'All fingers are not equal'. You know that, modesty is a virtue and every Papa should know that humility is a precious gift The essential thing in every home is love and you certainly don't need to go cap in hand begging or borrowing to give it and receive it in your home.
Another thing to consider is the fact that expensive parties, celebrations and vacations don't necessarily translate to a happy home, no matter how wonderful they may be. So  dear Papa, who told you that you must spend the fortune that you don't have in order to make a great home? In times of plenty there is nothing wrong with occasional treats for the family even though I will always recommend doing it modestly.
In the same vein, when the finances are not there for a lavish celebration, resist the temptation to borrow even if its from the missus. Stand your ground and insist on doing the right thing. Let the entire members of your family realize that borrowing does nothing but impoverish the family. And an impoverished family, try as it may, can never be a happy family.

Oh! Those poor Malawian girls!

stumbled on a story yesterday in the evening whilst browsing on the Internet, preparing for our Monday radio talkshow 'top of the day'. A certain Chief in the South African country known as Malawi was reported to have annulled the marriage of some three hundred and thirty girls who had been given away into marriage as adolescents.
The story pricked me into thinking, where were the poor girls father's when they were being packaged as would be brides to go warm the beds of men old enough to be their father's even some times grand fathers ? I wondered what would make a father agree to this modern day slavery? Money, culture, tradition or religion?
What ever it is, methinks, the girl child in Africa, is the victim in this whole situation. Well I threw the question open during the program and I got some interesting response. Two fellows said they were all for marriage of adolescents because as they put it, 'teenage pregnancy will be reduced'. The rational behind this belief lies in the tradition in many African societies where it was considered a shame to the family if their daughter gets pregnant out of wedlock so the best panacea to that embarrassing possibility is to marry off the girl as soon as possible.
Another offshoot of that mind set is the reason why female genital mutilation is practised, 'cut off the most sensitive part of the girls sexuality and she won't be interested in men or sex'. And so the act goes on in many African communities desperately severing female flesh putting them at risk of all manner of infections whilst purportedly saving the girl child from herself.
The phone calls kept coming and almost when I was wondering if no one would Speak for the victims, I got a call from a lady who was point blank in her position on the issue 'the State should not allow such marriages take place in the first place not to mention annulling them' was her opinion. Allowing the marriage to happen in the first place will expose the girl child to so many dangers she posited.
The barrage of calls that ensued after wards all echoed her position with some even proposing stiff penalties for perpetrators. Well, what can I say? All we can do as Broadcasters is to bring such issues to the front burner and hopefully appeal to the collective conscience of the society and the Authorities towards taking a proactive step in bringing this embarrassing reality to antiquity.
As a father I can not fathom how I can bring myself to agree to my precious Daughter being subjected to this ordeal. I ask again where were the papa's of the three hundred and thirty Malawian girls?

TEENS AND DRUGS AND STUFF AND A PAPA WHO KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM.

Teenagers by nature love to experiment. I remember when I was one myself, we tried everything from courting girls just to see who will get the girl 's nod first, to kissing, to drinking alcohol to stupor, to smoking cheap cigarettes, driving the old man or old woman' s car, to sex, to going to parties without permission, I tell you we did it all.
The good thing is, many of us saw these things we did for what they really were experiments. So we naturally abandoned them and got on with our lives. Unfortunately not all of us saw things the way we did, I guess it is only normal since no two people or more can actually see things the same way all the time. Well , those who held on to the teenage stuff either dropped out of school, became social misfits (at least amongst us), or simply kicked the bucket.
You may be wondering where I am getting at. I am communicating here to our teens not as some holier than thou, monk. But as a fully compliant Papa who is not afraid to say to the teens of today. 'yes I know where you are coming from - I have been there. Today, I am the first to admit that the temptation teens are exposed to are more daunting than our days. We didn't have phonography in the palm of our hands in the form of smartphones.
Nonetheless, my message to our teenagers reading this post is, there is more to life than the deceptive high of that cough syrup or that narcotic. Face your studies, graduate, get something doing, earn a living. Then and only then will you start enjoying the real high of fulfilment and achiement. You will surely live to a respectful age in life and I assure you many other things will come your way most naturally. Who knows, then you will find your self posting your advice to the teens of your time like I just did. Now is that cool or what?
I know it's difficult quiting especially when you have been taking that stuff for so long. Well impossible is a word in the dictionary but you can decide to erase it from your life. Nothing is impossible my dear friend. First I will recommend your leaving your bad friends behind if they won't join you to move to the next level - the best level. I tell you, many years later you will realize that you made the right choice. In fact a lonely life is better than hanging out with the wrong bunch
The next thing I will advise is for you to seek professional help. It could be in the form of a counsellor or a Doctor or a clergyman, it could also be an understanding Papa. Submit your self to wise tutelage and you will be squicky clean and ready for the world. I say amen to that.

LIVING WITH THE WIFE AND LANDLADY

If you live in your wify's house, this is for you. First of all on behalf of all Papas permit me to say 'be strong and hold on.' I say this because in societies such as ours, like here in good old Nigeria, where the Man is expected to be the all in all in the family, living under a roof built by your wife, is seen as a misnomer and you will most certainly be the the topic of gossips and the favourite item that jokes will be made of in your community.
No one wants to know why a Man will accept to live in his wife's house. We all know that today work is increasingly hard to come by and more often than not the women get employed faster than the Men especially in the blue and white collar job market. The wife could also inherit land and property from her old Man. Today, there are one hundred and one reasons why you will find a full grown Man living in his wife's house.
Ordinarily, who owns what should not elicit controversy especially when the union is based on true love. Sounds good right? Except the fact that some times a happy marriage may not survive only on the foundation of 'true love'. Other variables come to play especially in the eyes of the extended family which can upstage the strongest of relationship based on 'love'.
'Who pays the bills' for instance, could determine how the world out side will perceive the hierarchy in your home. Our society believes rightly or wrongly, that power lies in the hands of the individual with the money. Even the domestic staff in the home owned by the Madame will pledge their allegiance not to you the man of the house but on the one that pays their salaries and therefore determines their livelihood. So get ready to be scorned even if its in secret because they know you, (like them) can be fired and kicked out of the house.
Alright let's look at it from another perspective, some women can be so insecure in relationships and we all know that, that is the corner stone of a highly suspicious lady. If you are unlucky to be in a relationship where your other half as they say is always in need of reassurance, and the house is hers? I tell you many men will rather walk on hot coal and sleep in a bed of arrows than endure a second in that kind of scenario.
And then your good old friends. How will they take it? What will they say? What if she thinks your best Pal someone you practically grew up with is a bad influence on you and she tells you, no, orders you, is more like it, not to wellcome him in the house. What will you do? Would you risk disobeying your landlady?
Living in your wife's house from the above mentioned scenarios is certainly not something for the faint hearted. My advice is if you are sure you are not brave enough to take the barrage of insults and derision from all and sundry including your friends. Then go for the less grandiose option of renting or building your own house, and cultivate the humility of sleeping under your own roof in a house that your kids will look up to you and no one else.

PAPADOM'S VIEW ON HOW TO CURB SOCIAL VICES AMONGST TEENAGERS AND THE ROLE OF PAPAS

Gone are the days when teenage girls were told that they will get pregnant if they allow a man touch them, some are even warned that the same will happen if they even talk to strange men. Three or four decades ago, Parents gave their daughters away in marriage with very little said about the topic 'sex'. In Africa and many developing countries,fathers simply had no vocabulary to even attempt a conversation with their children about sex.
However, time and time again, we are reminded that not talking about it is more expensive and dangerous than  the few initial blushes that fathers may go through trying to educate their children about the topic. Itis more expensive ignoring to teach sex education because what we as fathers fail to tell our kids- their peers will readily fill in the blank spaces with wrong information. TV and movies will provide them with exaggerated renditions of the act and of course the King of them all, the Internet will crown it all up.
Every father worth his salt today, aught to know that teaching the kids about their sexual physiology and how to cope with the changes of becoming an adult is the surest way of preventing early pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases which may be terminal in some cases.
It may also not be a bad idea for primary and secondary schools to introduce sex education in the school curriculum. Traditional institutions and religious organizations may constitute a  major stumbling block to the actualization of this ideal but who can blame them considering our conservative past and the hush hush treatment sexuality is given in our society. I however believe that advocacy and unrelenting persuasion will carry the day in the end.
We certainly can't get a different result by doing the same thing over and over again. We must chart a different path for our children as responsible fathers and the way to do this is through simple tet a tet talks about sex education to our young boys and girls. We should also be as honest as possible. They most be told what to do and the consequences of toying with their bodies through careless or unprotected sex.
The human mind is naturally curious. We tend to be attracted to things forbidden or kept secret from us. That is why most of us were obsessed with discovering 'sex' in our formative years let's spare our children that ordeal. Demystify sex to our kids through sex education and we will see a drop in sex related social vices in our homes and our communities. That is the way to go papa.

ARE YOU AN ABSENTEE PAPA? READ THIS!

Many fathers are guilty of this. I am talking about being absent almost all the time. Yes we have a career to pursue and yes we have to work and earn a living and in turn fulfil our primary role of 'provider to our families. Money certainly does not grow on trees and all that. I know all about it. The good old excuse we often peddle to excuse our absenteeism from being what we aught to be fathers.
This is a difficult topic to discuss because, let's face it, we are all guilty of this in varying degrees. Many of us are so busy, so busy that we hardly see our kids grow before our eyes. Some of us have perfected the art of being the first to leave for work sometimes even before the kids are up from bed and the last to come back home, way past the kids bedtime.
We are reliable and effective everywhere else but our homes. We are time conscious and will rather loose an arm than fail to attend that board room meeting or worse still arrive late. Yet we create a thousand and one reasons why we can't make it to the kids PTA. Isn't that sad?
We do all in our power to court the friendship of that all important client with a big bank account, we make our selves conspicuous at the clients Polo tournament. Attend his social functions, donate at that fund raiser. Sit through obviously boring functions and applaud for no sane reason. Unfortunately the kids birthday Comes up and we have to be reminded or else...
No wonder, we are loosing relevance in the eyes of the ones we claim to love so much, our family. I wonder how many kids will still point to us if they are asked to say who their hero is. Dysfunctional homes abound because we seem to have our priorities upside down.
If you are reading this and your family is still coping with this kind of crap from you, then this should be a wake up call to you dear papa. The solution is not far fetched, creat a balance. After all the people you are working your butt off for deserve your presence too. Learn to delegate responsibility you have to so that you can spend some quality time with the family.
When last did you take the family on a vacation? Yes things may be hard but you can save and plan towards it and when you do just that, you will see how beneficial it is to you first and the good old family. Papas let's check our selves before we wreck our selves.

THE RISING CASE OF RAPE OF CHILDREN AND WHAT EVERY FATHER AUGHT TO KNOW.

For fathers, the rising case of rape of minors is to say the least, most worrisome. Why would any one want to violate the pristine inoccence of a child through rape? This is a thought that kept on lingering in my mind as I sought the view of my friend, Dennis. He is a good father and founder of an NGO for children.
I desired to understand the reason for the rise in this devilish act, what measures fathers should take to protect their little ones against would be child rapists and any other 'need to know' information that any concerned parent should know.
Gladly, Dennis was very receptive and as concerned about the rising menace of rape affecting minors in Nigeria and indeed other parts of the world.
'You will be shocked to know that the perpetrators are people around the child 'Dennis quipped.' yes. That Uncle, the Neighbour next door, the school teacher, nanny or cousin '. How could that be? was my countenance and disposition.
Dennis went on to explain to me that figures have shown that perpetrators of the dastardly act have been proven to be people parents allow near the child either because they are family or friends.
That makes it even more tricky I thought. I wonder how I as a father can possibly prevent my kid from a member of my family or friends. So what can a father do? Dennis, explains that first of all, fathers should make their kid aware of his or her body.
'Rape, starts from the mind 'he explained. Fathers should teach their kids to quickly wear their clothes after a bath or after a visit to the toilet. It may seem harmless allowing kids to run around the house naked, but humans are unpredictable. You never can tell what effect the child 's nakedness is having inside the warped mind of the potential rapist.
' communication is also key 'Dennis stressed.' fathers should learn to leave an open line of communication with their children 'he added.' that way your child will have no problem telling you what 'games' he or she played with who while you were away. '
I realized that the issue may be more complex than I initially thought, and unfortunately more widespread than reported since it is domestic and as Dennis told me, more often than not, the victims are afraid to report any abuse because perpetrators often threaten the victims with even death should they tell.
Every father aught to take this problem seriously. We can't allow the formative years of our lovely kids to be desecrated by people who can't seem to control their depraved sexual urges. I don't care whether the rapist is the man next door or family, the farthest they are from our minors the better.
I am also aware that many a father is often away from home pursuing career or money. I do understand. How ever, the reality of the danger of rape of minors and the attendant trauma, requires all fathers to learn to strike a balance.